Successful Dating for Grown-Ups - Spontaneity is Over-rated - Planning is the Secret

By Judy Armes

The statistics for successful marriage counseling are not good. Most couples wait until the fuse is too close to the dynamite before seeking professional counseling. Now this is profound: rather than waiting for coupling issues to explode, why not become proficient in the skill of discernment and partner selection BEFORE coupling-up? Instead of relying on the whim of chance or the risks of "romance", why not create an intelligent, intentional plan for selecting a life partner?

You might answer, #1 because it isn't "romantic" (like divorce is???) and #2 because nobody does it that way!!!! There isn't a model for mature, aware and conscious marriages...so how would someone go about it?

There's another covert challenge to overcome: unconscious thought. Most single adults "date" like adolescents. 1) We automatically pose, puff and generally market (what we think are) our best attributes and hide the worst. 2) We all harbor unexplored beliefs and assumptions that lurk so far under the radar that we don't even suspect they exist. And 3) most of our learned ideas about relationships are WRONG....at least they don't seem to work out very well. And most of us have no clue as to their origin or the extent that they control us.

Do you like to watch movies? Even if you've already seen it, you might want to re-visit "Something's Gotta Give" with Diane Keaton & Jack Nicholson. Although their years attest their claim to maturity, they relate with each other like teenagers. They are grayer; they are richer; and they have keener relationship skills--except with each other.

It seems they are stuck in an "age-warp". He is an older version of the horny football captain and she is an older version of the idealistic prom queen. He wants an uncomplicated and convenient physical relationship; she wants romance and exclusivity. They don't quite match up, do they?

Despite their years, neither has any experience in creating a unique mature relationship. Without a model or experience in relating as romantic adults they seem trapped in their adolescent mode of behaviors and notions.

Like most romantic comedies, the rest of the movie is vignette after vignette of trials, errors, upsets and misunderstandings. Both know they WANT to get together, but neither knows how to get past their own issues. Through the course of the movie (because the script-writers are clever and adept), our hero and heroine learn about what really counts, how to take care of themselves as individuals and how to reflect on what they really want. But they are uncontrollably pushed and pulled by the events and their emotions rather than consciously choosing and responding from a position of personal strength.

And, here's where Hollywood makes a u-turn: "The End" is really the beginning and we don't get to see how they continue to resolve their day-to-day relationship challenges. We assume they live happily ever after...despite the fact that neither has explored the context of their experience.

So what to do? Become more intentional and aware of yourself and your relationships.

• Explore, Observe, Study, Imagine, Dream-- careful introspection is wise. Few people (maybe none!) are totally unaffected by their experience and life events. So, if you have been around the block a few times, you might want to re-assess your beliefs and notions that have evolved as a result of your experience. You are not the same person you were when you were 20...or 30...or 40. It doesn't make sense that you have frozen your requirements, needs and wants in a time capsule--they have matured with you. So, dig 'em up and take a careful thoughtful look at them. Throw away those that no longer fit and think about including possible new ones.
• Create a Plan. When you are clear about what characteristics you want in a partner and a partnership, make a list--but don't go "shopping". Re-read, revise and re-write your list over a few weeks (at least). Then delete or add characteristics as appropriate. This is YOUR list and YOUR life--you might as well have it the way you want it!
• Finally, Get Creative. Think of places you are likely to meet the person with the characteristics you're seeking. And get yourself out there. Look for a "friend" first; someone who aligns with you and resonates with your personality and lifestyle. Take it slowly and with care.

Finding a person with whom you are truly compatible seldom happens by accident. It can, but the odds don't favor "good luck". If you are interested in discovering specific steps toward starting your own intentional "find-a-partner" project, please visit: http://www.MatchMadeInHeaven2007.com A quick look-see might make all the difference in discovering options and making a plan.