By Debbie Connolly
As someone who sees herself as a bit "girl power" I resent books like "The Rules" which make those of us over 40 and single feel like failures. Like we never joined the secret "how to get married" club, or rather we never got invited.
So for all those of us who actually like being single and do not need to be married to prove we are in fact really women and not men in drag I dedicate this article. If you are with a man and want to get rid of him and let him think he did it himself, or you are with a man and he is getting a bit too serious, then read on:
It is commonly thought that men run from commitment and so turning up for a date in a wedding dress or meeting his parents and asking "can I call you Mom?" used to be a sure fire way of getting rid of him. However the rise of the "metro sexual" man has put paid to all of that. Men now want to talk about feelings and steal our hair products so we need a new strategy.
If you are dating a man whose beauty regime makes yours look like a slap in the face with a damp towel, then competing with him means buying better products than he does. Ok so it goes against the grain to spend ฃ20 on moisturiser when you have saddle soap and an old packet of lard in the cupboard, but buy it you must. A cheaper version of this is to find a friend with lots of expensive products and steam off the labels. Although I suppose if she wasn't going to notice you steaming the labels off she probably wouldn't spot you taking them altogether.
Make a big show of using the expensive stuff then pick his up, look at it, and put it back down with a sigh. Look at him at this moment and tell him how lovely his skin looks. Even if that happens to be true, the seed of doubt will have been sown. No man can compete with a woman whose beauty products are better than his and he will want to trade you in for a woman who wears no make up and wants to bask in his glory.
Men can get very involved in the bits that used to be "just for girls". Like planning the wedding and looking at catalogues. So if you are dating mature, "planning for the future" man, it's a good idea to paint a really bad picture of your potential life together. Conversations about him giving up his football/ beer/friends/family/job will usually make the bravest of them stop and think. Too many times you let them steer the conversation into how much they love you, how lovely it will be to be together all the time, how they don't need anyone else. Make them realise that those situations would be non existent and that your time together now is only bearable because of the interruptions from football/beer/friends/family/job. If he is really stubborn (or blinded by love as they like to see it) then make him give up everything else for 2 weeks. I mean everything. He cannot do a thing unless it is with you. Drive him to work, pick him up afterwards. Go out with him, wait at the gym for him, drink with him and talk to him constantly. Let's be honest here, would you want to see that much of yourself?
Independent men used to be easily scared off. Being too clingy, especially in front of their friends did the trick with embarrassing ease. These days it isn't enough. Independent man now wants a clingy woman to endorse his manliness and confirm his desirability in front of his mates. So the trick here is to be two women. That's in an emotional sense, not in a scary wearing a wig, pretending to be your own twin way. When alone be very clingy. Want his whole itinerary, ask to see his texts, ring him as long as he's alone. Talk a lot about "next year" and "the wedding". As soon as his mates are there, act like he is invisible. He will be telling his mates how badly you want him and how he is stringing you along. They will laugh at how you discuss wedding plans with him and how you think you'll be together next year. Once they can hear, do the opposite. If he mentions plans for next week, smile and say "let's see how we feel then". Any mention of weddings and rings, look sadly at him and say "I don't want to embarrass you in front of your friends, let's talk when we're alone". At this point, look directly at one of his mates and roll your eyes. He'll be gone in a week.
I thought Neanderthal man was long dead. Not literally of course, I did do history at school and I am aware he's been gone a while. No I mean the one man type we all recognise even without realising we think men fit into types. This one looks a bit odd. They have a slightly "missing link" look about them, communicate in grunts and live on beer. Women only exist to them as servants and housekeepers oh and sexual slaves of course. Bizarrely for all their simple behaviour, a lot of women like them. This seems to be because they have a strong base instinct for protecting their women. They can be spotted in bars as the ones saying "don't touch/look at/buy a drink for, breathe near MY woman" whilst adopting a stance of readiness for action. This stance shows itself as having a chest sticking out further than their feet, hands clenching and unclenching and a woman clinging to their arm saying "don't hit him, he wasn't doing nothing, he ain't worth it".
Getting rid of this one is relatively easy. They want a girl to be a girl. You have to need them. I mean really need them to the point of helplessness. You have to become so weak you cannot open a single jar yourself. Nor can you open doors, lift shopping bags or drive a car. Strangely though you can lift lots of washing and open any type of beer can with your teeth. So if he comes home to find you have driven to the shops, opened several jars to make dinner including the one he couldn't open himself and fixed the oil leak on the car, he is history. If there is any final resistance, add that you have bought him a pink shirt and some facial products and you have enrolled you both into a "getting to know your partner" class and he won't just leave the house, he'll move away.
If your man isn't really a type then try some general tactics. Leaving a copy of "How to Please your Woman in Bed, improve your technique" on the coffee table when friends are coming can help. Crashing his car or if you want more prolonged torture, just driving it really badly will eventually drive him nuts. Selling his car to buy something really girly often finishes a relationship completely. Giving him shopping lists is simple and cheap. One hidden in his wallet so it falls out at the office lunchtime drink works a treat.
I suppose there's one last thing to try. You could bring back the art of conversation. Just tell him. Men can't multi task so don't tell him when he's washing up, watching tv, shaving or dressing. In fact definitely not when shaving. If any of it did get through he's likely to slice his face open.
Plan your words carefully. Don't waffle. Explain that you were really just looking for sex and someone to buy dinner for you and that all your friends are fixed up and you felt left out. Say you don't want to lose him but that you wanted a man who just popped in occasionally and who fainted at the words commitment and feelings.
If at this point he cries or tries to cut himself with his razor (I told you not to do it when he's shaving) then put his stuff in a bag and call him a taxi. If though he laughs, says "Thank God for that I can stop pretending" and leaves the washing up half finished (I told you...) then I'd keep him... For EVER!
Debbie Connolly is the Founder of SafePets UK and appears in the BBC series "Dog Borstal" and regularly gives media interviews about Pet issues. She writes for a well known UK dog magazine. Debbie works all over the UK with problem dogs and cats.
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