Your Online Personal Ad- Write For Success!

By Toni Coleman

Where are all the good men/women? You go to parties, sign up for various activities and ask friends and family if they know anyone they can introduce you to. Yet, your dating life has been more than a little disappointing. What is a guy/girl supposed to do to find quality people?

Begin by continuing to do what you have been doing. These are all good ways to meet people. However, you may need to expand your search to the world of online dating. This would allow you to expand your search and come into contact with interested and available singles you would never meet in the existing circles in which you now move.

Perhaps you are thinking, "I have already tried this with little or mixed success." Maybe this too has become a source of disappointment and frustration and even despair. If so, you could be going about it the wrong way, or be in need of some information to put you on a track to better success. The first important step is writing your personal ad and choosing a good site to place it on.

The following are tips to help you write for success.

* Be Yourself

The goal of your ad is to attract the kind of person who would be compatible with you. You are looking for someone who shares your goals, values, sense of humor, lifestyle and perhaps religion or other specific criteria. If you put in information that is not true to who you are, you could send potentially good dates on to the next ad. You may also attract the kind of person you are not interested in.

* Be Sincere

Nothing is more attractive than sincerity. Think about it. Isn't this a turn-on for you? If you are funny, be funny. If you are serious, be that. Use honesty in describing your traits and desires in a potential mate. If there is something that is a must-have for you in any future relationship, highlight it. Remember that when and if you move to the next step, the other person will experience you as you really are, regardless of what the picture you drew for them in your ad looked like.

* Write Like You Talk

This goes right along with being you. Don't make your ad seem too contrived or rehearsed. You will loose that feeling of sincerity. Write a few drafts and just let the thoughts flow. Then go back and edit it. Make sure you spell check and check again. There is no bigger turn-off than someone who appears to have poor grammar or spelling.

* Be Specific, But Leave Out Hang-Ups and Other Negatives

This is a first step. You want to put your true best forward. The picture you paint should be upbeat and positive. Everyone has a past. It's not wise too tell too much too soon. If you feel something is important, than put it in. A good example is "single mom", "divorced father of two", etc. Leave out the part about looking for someone to help me heal from a painful divorce. Do not mention past relationships except to inform that you had one.

* Highlight Your Uniqueness

There are things about us all that make us uniquely who we are. Let your ad portray this. If you have a special talent, interesting career or pastime, let people know about it. If it's important to you, it tells others much. If someone out there shares it, they will be drawn to what you have written.

Find a unique way to highlight yourself. If you look like someone well known, put that in. Just remember, if you look like Woody Allen, don't portray yourself as a Robert Redford type.

* Avoid classic turn-offs

If you place a heavy emphasis on finding someone who is "beautiful" or "wealthy", you will turn off many people- often the very people who hope to attract. No one wants to be wanted for his or her looks or bank account. It also says something about you. How about superficial?

* Use a Picture

This is very important. Ads that don't have one get far fewer responses. Many singles are having a professional picture made of them. You want to look like your BEST self. A professional can usually do a much better job at a very reasonable cost if you shop around a bit.

* Post Your Ad On The Right Site

There are so many choices out there. Look for one that has a large membership of people who appear to be compatible with you. Make sure they have an enforced safety and privacy policy. There are specialty sites for people who seek a partner with a very particular passion or lifestyle. These include but are not limited to: animal lovers, vegetarians, advanced degreed professionals, and sites for people seeking those of the same faith.

If your requirements include someone within a close geographical distance, look for the sites that offer you a good selection.

Once you have given it careful thought and a little research and energy, write and post your ad for success.

Remember, we attract what we are, not what we want.

Toni Coleman, MSW is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship coach and founder of http://www.consum-mate.com. As a recognized expert, Toni has been quoted in many local and national publications including: The Chicago Tribune, The Orlando Sentinel, New York Daily News, Indianapolis Star and Newsweek newspapers and Family Circle, Woman's Day, Cosmo Style, Tango, Men�s Health, Star (regularly quoted body language expert), and Nirvana magazines. She has been featured on abcnews.com; discovery.health.com; aolnews.com; MSN.com, Match.com and planetearthradio.com. Toni offers dating help and relationship advice as the weekly love and dating coach on the KTRS Radio Morning Show (St. Louis, MO) and through her syndicated column, �Dear Dating Coach.� Her newsletter, The Art Of Intimacy, helps over fifty-five hundred subscribers with its dating and relationship advice. Toni is a member of The International Coach Federation, The International Association Of Coaches and The National Association of Social Workers.

Should You Go on a Dating Hiatus?

By Barbara Wright Abernathy

Sometimes we need a hiatus from dating. A �hiatus� is a break in something that normally has continuity. You may have heard this term used in conjunction with television shows: �The show is going on hiatus until shooting starts for next season.� That means the actors and crew are taking a break until work starts again.

The Brick Wall
So how do you know it's time to consider a dating hiatus? It's when you�ve been dating for many months or years and still seem no closer to meeting the right person than when you started. It's when you've been dating a succession of people but nothing of substance develops with any of them. Are you beginning to feel like you�re just beating your head against a brick wall? It will feel better if you simply decide to STOP.

You�ve gotten yourself in a rut. You keep doing the same things to meet new people but every relationship just peters out and goes nowhere. You�re starting to feel so frustrated that�s it�s affecting your relationships with family and friends. You�re just grumpy and negative much of the time. You�re losing hope of ever finding someone to love and becoming cynical and sarcastic about your future. Instead of moving forward you�re going into a tailspin.

Before you let this state of mind deteriorate into a full-blown depression, there is something you can do to change it: go on hiatus! If you�re on a losing streak and it keeps getting worse instead of better, then do what any smart coach does for a player in that situation. Take yourself out of the game for a while.

Break the Pattern
When what you have been doing just isn�t working, it�s time to stop, break the pattern and do something different. If you are sliding into a state of misery and frustration, this may be the time when you are unhappy enough to consider doing some personal growth and spiritual work. Sad but true, most of us do not take steps to change until the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same.

This is the time when you are most motivated to find a connection to God or Spirit or Higher Power or whatever you call the unseen force that created our world. This is the time when you are most open to learning a new way to think and a new set of principles to believe in and live by that will take you out of your misery and put you back in charge of your life.

If this is where you are today, don�t beat yourself up because you haven�t found the love relationship you so ardently desire. Even the best boxer in the world sometimes has to go down for the count before he can get back up and start fighting again. Give yourself a break and take a break from the dating scene.

Going On Hiatus
Once you make up your mind firmly and decide you are going on a dating hiatus, you will immediately start to feel a little better. That�s because you have taken control of your life again and have stopped looking for someone else to make you feel okay. Next time some well- meaning friend asks you who you�re dating you don�t have to feel like a loser or a second-class citizen because you�re alone. You can just say, �Oh, I�m on hiatus right now. I�ve decided not to date for a while.� It�s a choice you have made, not an unwanted situation you found yourself in. You are in control and you�re feeling better!

Now�s the time to take that class you�ve been meaning to take, start going to church, find a therapist or counselor or support group. Read a book or two about spiritual principles, study the bible or other scriptures that interest you. Go back to your religious roots or explore some different philosophy that intrigues you. Try a yoga or meditation or dance class. Take the hours and hours you used to spend online at the dating sites and invest them into yourself instead.

Before I met my husband I took a two year dating hiatus and did just what I�m suggesting you do. That�s why I know it works. What a relief it was to get myself out of the mindset of most singles: �looking, looking, always looking.� I pulled in my �singles antenna� that was always on the lookout for any man that might be a possibility. I stopped making decisions about whether to go to any event based on how many single men might be there. I accepted my state of singleness and enjoyed all the good things about it.

Making Changes
I delved into the universal spiritual principles taught in Religious Science and Unity churches and discovered that I actually had the power to change how I think and what I believe. I created a whole new life for myself and learned how to be happy and whole as a single person. I let the old feelings of �not good enough� drop away and replaced them with believing and knowing that my happiness did not depend on having a partner.

Also, I came to realize that holding on to resentments from the past can block you from attracting good things into your life today. Learning to release bitterness and resentment is a necessary step, but one that many people are unwilling to take. If you are having difficulty finding and keeping a good partner today, chances are there�s some anger over a past hurt buried in you that�s part of the cause.

You don�t have to �forgive� and pretend that whatever they did wasn�t wrong, but unless you release those angry feelings, and stop giving them your attention, you�ll never be free of their influence. Doing this emotional work may not be much fun and you may resent the fact that you even have to do it! But if you have the courage you can find a way and it will make a tremendous difference in your next relationship. I can vouch for that.

When I was secure in the knowledge that I am enough and don�t need anyone else to be happy then I was able to go back into dating and attract a great mate in less than a year. Turns out that the solution to the problem was within myself. Once I released my old resentments and learned to appreciate all the good things about my life, I attracted some really good men into my life. Now I'm happily married a man who is a perfect partner for me.

This dating hiatus idea may seem too radical and extreme to you right now. However, the more people you date and the more unhappy you get, the more it will start to make sense to you. If all you do is take a break for a while, but don�t do anything to make needed changes within yourself during that time, then you can�t expect to get better results when you start dating again. A dating hiatus works only if you work it!

How Long?
How long should it take? There are no hard and fast rules about this. It all depends on how much change and growth you need before you are able to produce a different outcome for yourself. My guess would be a minimum of six months to an average of several years.

Does this sound impossible for you right now? If you can�t stand the thought of not having a date for six months, then you are in a precarious state of mind, depending way too much on being in a relationship to make you feel okay. A dating hiatus could be just what you need, but you may not be ready to accept that yet. It requires patience and the determination to stick with it for however long it takes. In our culture of instant gratification and the quick-fix, people don�t like hearing this, but it is the truth.

Let these ideas sink in and roll around in your subconscious for a while. Few people will joyfully jump up after reading this and shout, �Yes, I�m going on a dating hiatus tomorrow!� Give it some time and when the time is right for you (or when you are sufficiently miserable and frustrated), you will know. When it�s done with the right motivation, a dating hiatus along with some personal growth work can be your ticket to a better future. You'll go back into the dating game with a real possibility of winning next time.

Barbara Wright Abernathy, Modern Goddess, speaker and workshop leader is the author of Venus On Top: Women Who Are Born To Lead And The Men Who Love Them. Get a free report from Barbara, "3 Biggest Mistakes People Make While Dating" at http://www.venusontop.com

Online Dating Beginner's Quiz

By Barbara Wright Abernathy

Free dating online�you've heard about it, you've read about it, maybe you even have a friend who's doing it. You're thinking of giving it a try yourself. But how do you know if it's the right thing for you? Here's a quick quiz to help you determine whether you're ready.

1. Are you dissatisfied with the traditional ways of meeting people to date? Two of the most likely places to meet people to date are in school and at work. If neither has helped you find a mate so far, then singles groups are often the next thing people try. The good thing about singles groups is that it puts you in front of other single people who are clearly interested in finding someone to date and possibly to mate. But if you've tried that route and still aren't meeting anyone, then free online dating can be the best next step for you.

2. Are you over 30, over 40 or beyond? It gets more difficult to meet people to date as you get older. Many of your friends are already married and the bar scene has lost its appeal. That doesn't mean there's no one out there for you. It's just not as easy to find one another! The world of on line dating gives you access to an almost unlimited supply of potential partners, more than you could ever meet any other way.

3. Do you have a good sense of who you are and what you want in a partner? The great thing about getting older is that we usually know ourselves better and have a more realistic idea of what kind of person would be a good match for us. And hopefully, you have a better idea of what you can give to a relationship, not just what you want to get.

On line dating allows you to search for a partner based on what is most important to you. Looking at a person's profile online allows you to find out much more about them than you'd normally know about anyone you meet offline.

4. Do you know enough about computers to browse the internet and use e-mail, or are you willing to learn? You don't need to own a computer; you just need access to one. And if you don't know how to use e-mail yet it's not that difficult to learn. Anyone who is sufficiently motivated can do it.

5. Are you willing to be proactive to get what you desire? On line dating does call for some effort on your part. You have to find a good dating service site and create a profile about yourself so others can find you. You have to put in the time to search the profiles on your site and contact people who interest you. If you're unwilling to do a little bit of work, then free dating online won't work for you.

6. Are you willing to overcome your preconceived ideas about whether �nice people� should get involved in on line dating? It's becoming more acceptable every day to meet people through free dating online. And the people who do it are likely to be more educated and better off financially than the average. Sounds like a good group of people to pick from, doesn't it?

7. Do you enjoy writing or are you willing to improve your writing skills? Communication on the internet favors those who write well. You make your first impression based on what you write in your profile and your e-mail messages. The good news is that with the great spelling and grammar checking features available in most e-mail programs, there is no excuse for being a poor writer any more. Anyone of average intelligence can learn to write well enough to attract a partner. It just takes the willingness to learn.

SCORING Give yourself 1 point for each YES answer.

0 - 4 You are not ready for free dating online. Until you can honestly answer YES to at least 5 questions, you are unlikely to have a good experience with online dating.

5 - 6 You're almost ready to try on line dating. You need to look at some dating sites and individual profiles to familiarize yourself with the prospects that are available to you. See if that doesn't increase your willingness to work on the issues in the questions which you answered in the negative.

7 What are you waiting for? Take off the brakes and go for it! You've got what it takes to succeed in on line dating. Get started by checking out all the great resources on the net for dating site reviews and online dating advice. It's never too late to change your fate!

Barbara Wright Abernathy helps take-charge women be as successful at love as they are at work. She's the author of Venus On Top: Women Who Are Born to Lead and the Men Who Love Them. Get your FREE report�3 Biggest Mistakes People Make While Dating at http:/ /http://www.VenusOnTop.com

Long Distance Dating: Romantic or Frantic?

By Barbara Wright Abernathy

It sounds like something out of a fairy tale. She�s in Los Angeles: he�s in New York. They met through an online dating service, started with e- mail, moved up to phone chatting and now they�re sure they�re in love. Only problem is�they have never met in person.

But they can both tell it�s the real thing. It must be love�how else could the talks they have on the phone be so intimate and make them feel so close? Sure, it will be difficult and expensive to get together, but hey, this is true love! And sure, if they are to be together that means one of them has to give up their whole lifestyle�family, friends, work, etc.�and move thousands of miles away just to be with the other.

If you�ve never been in one of these long-distance romances you might wonder why in the world anyone would try to start a romance with someone who lives so far away. Ask any pop psychologist and they�ll tell you it�s a perfect set-up for people who are afraid of commitment. The long-distance lover gives you a place to focus all your romantic fantasies of having the perfect person to love, without any of the romance-dampening realities�like discovering that they yell and throw things when angry, or they hate being around your friends, or that they see nothing wrong with a drink or two before noon.

When you have just broken up with someone or when you have been on an endless merry-go-round of dates that go nowhere or when it�s been months and months since you met anyone to date, you can become vulnerable to the lure of long-distance romance. I may seem very opinionated on this subject, but that�s because I�m trying to save you from the heartache of another relationship gone bad.

Let�s get one thing straight�this is dedicated to people who want a serious, long-term, committed, monogamous love relationship. If you just want to play, then you might find long distance dating exciting and fun. But if you want to find the right kind of partner and develop a real love relationship, you are going down a dead end road if you get involved with someone who is too far away.

What's Too Far Away?
What�s �too far away�? It actually has more to do with time than with actual distance in miles. Based on my experience I�d say that if it takes more than an hour�s travel time for you two to get together, that�s too far away. I tried it with several good prospects that I met dating online who lived over an hour away and it was just too difficult for us to get together on any kind of regular basis. Sometimes two or three weeks would go by before we could get our schedules to mesh well enough to see each other.

Believe me, all it takes is a few nerve-wracking 90-minute drives through Southern California traffic to take the luster off your budding romance. And that�s if they are only 60 or 70 miles away. As a relationship develops you want to spend more and more time with the person. You can put up with the travel time at the start when everything is new and exciting, but it gets old rather quickly.

So now you should know what�s coming next. If I�m telling you 60 miles is too far, what do I think about hundreds or thousands of miles? That's relationship roulette�and the house always wins! Okay, I know you�ve heard stories about one of these long distance deals that did work out. They flew across the country to see each other, it was instant chemistry and they got married and lived happily ever after. What are the chances that it will happen that way for you? Pretty close to zero. (I�d bet that lovely couple in the story is no longer together a year or two later.)
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The One Hour Rule
So here�s the bottom line: long distance dating is DUMB! Don�t do it if you want a real love relationship with a real person. Make up your mind right now to put the One Hour Rule into effect. There are many people that are a good match for you within one hour from your home (except maybe if you live in the Australian outback or Alaskan wilderness). We all have many more than just one soul mate on the planet at any given time.

I used to live 6,500 feet up in a little mountain town of 6,000 people where I could not find any men I wanted to date. So I got on the net and did a search for men within 40 miles and dozens of profiles popped up. One of them was my future husband, living right at the bottom of the mountain. There he was, but how would I ever have met him without the online dating service?

It took about 45 � 50 minutes for us to drive to one another�s homes, and by the time we�d been dating for 6 months or so we were really tired of all the driving. But that was long enough to determine that we wanted to get engaged, move in together and eventually get married.

You must want a great long-term relationship or marriage if you�ve read this far. So develop a rock-solid resolve deep in your heart that you will not be tempted into starting a long distance online flirtation with anyone, no matter how cute their photo is or how perfect they seem in their profile. It is an utterly futile pursuit and will NOT get you to your goal.

The best thing to do is to clearly state your �No long distance dating� preference right up front in your profile and then stick to your guns. Some lunkhead that lives four states away will still try to contact you and you can just ignore their message or send a blank reply with NO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS or NOT INTERESTED in the subject line if you want to give them the courtesy of a reply.

Advanced Search Options
The better dating services have advanced search options that let you choose a geographical category according to zip code or number of miles. You know what the average travel times will be in your home area and can figure out which zip codes or how many miles will keep you in the under one hour category.

When you first do your own searches restrict them to people 20 � 30 minutes away. Most people will find plenty of prospects in a nearby geographical area. If you�re not having any luck expand your search criteria to 45 minutes or 60 minutes at the most.

There may be times when you feel lonesome and bored, when you haven�t met anyone really interesting in a long time. That�s the time when your resolve will be tested. You�ll start to think �Oh, well�here�s a message from someone who�s only 3 hours away. Maybe I�ll just check out their profile.� This is dangerous thinking that could very well put you on the road to disaster. Remember that while you are fooling around with the wrong person, you are not available for the right person when they do show up.

So now you�re thinking, �Boy, this lady is tough on us poor singles!� Yes, I�m being tough here for a good reason. People like you and me who value and cherish the idea of having a great marriage have to be tough enough to say NO to situations that have little or no chance of producing the long-term relationship we want.

I�m glad that I instituted the One Hour Rule for myself and stuck to it, no matter what. That�s why I was able to find my great guy living close enough so we could really get to know each other. And that�s why that great guy and I are happily married today. I sincerely want the same for you! The One Hour Rule will help you get there faster.

Barbara Wright Abernathy is the author of Venus On Top: Women Who Are Born to Lead and the Men Who Love Them. Read FREE chapters and get your FREE report�3 Biggest Mistakes People Make While Dating at http://www.venusontop.com

10 Fast Ways to Re-Igniting Romance

By Janett Colon